I'm full of MUSH

I discovered reason # 9375628358 I like richard


He's starting to pick up my catch phrases and sometimes when i he says something.. All i can think is- "Man that is SO something I would have said"

: )


I <3>

happy halloween

wow it's been awhile since i've said much..

i've been busy with decorating for halloween at work so that's where the free time went i guess,
I didnt bring my ipod with me today and am already missing it. Today is the perfect day to just sit and listen. I'm trying not to be stressed about my angela situation but it's really buggin me.. I've called her 3 times now and gotten no response.. Ima try to not worry until 11 tonight tho..

this whole situation makes me feel like poo.. yuck- pooooo.. I mean why is my best friends good friends with my ex? yes, she has every right to be but why would she want to be.. i guess he just squeezes his way into everyone's life.. yuckyuckyuck

i guess in persuit of not worrying i shouldn't be pondering how this whole thing is going to work out.. but it's difficult.. if angela wants me to just get over it all so i can hang out with them this is a real problem.. i dont think she understands that i'm over being with the boy but i don't want to associate with him and to do something that stressful/awkward you should really want it. i dont understand why she wants me to either.. is it just bc it is easier for her social life? wow that would suck but it probably is- ookkaayy boo. no more negative thinking..

woohoo- finally got my appointment with planned parenthood but its sat at 8am.. that's early : P but i said i wanted as soon as possible.. lord knows with my luck it'll turn out i have cancer and have 2 weeks to live hahaha..
wow that wouldn't be funny- bllaahh i'm tired

soo fun stuff happened this weekend too.. I got to see my honey and hang out with james. I sure did tucker myself out tho.. we did A LOT on saturday.. i'm just going to list it b/c describing each event would make this my longest blog ever and i don't feel like it

SAT
woke up at 12 and went to Hobb Nobb for breakfast
Went to balboa park to walk off breakfast
saw the 90 year old organ and fountain and botanical garden thingy
Went to old town- bought honey sticks, stole a pumpkin, walked up a hill to see houses
Went to mission beach- rode the rollercoaster, watched the sunset
went to richard's bakery had some drinks and talked with Edwin
went to richard's house and drew on the pumpkins we stole from old town
Went to mamma testas- had delicious spicy food and saw a bunch of interestingly dressed people.
Went to Scolaries (or however you spell it) and it was too early so walked to off the record then went back and played some pool,had a pitcher of beer and watched the band play (while slowly going deaf)
went to cara's and said hello/saw her amazing costume
went to La Jolla saw the seals and walked along the beach
FINALLY went back to richards house- ate the best cakey whatever it's called thingy from Edwin.. watched the japanese version of The Grudge (which i thought was scarey but apparently im a bit of a wuss- i like to make myself scared sometimes tho.. i think it was mostly b/c i was soo tired)
PASSED OUT
then had some more fun

boy i'm tired from just writing all that crap out.. no wonder i'm exhusted- sunday was busy too.. i didn't get to bed till 11 or so

wow i'm impressed with myself

ok ima work some and post more if i get bored

BOOO

I was gonna put up pics of my weekend while I was working but my works STUPID web security thing won't let me!!! BOOOO


BOO now Ima work slow in protest.. I need to figure a way to override this thing. It's way annoying-- I must use my genius powers for evil now.. hahaha



PS- joke for the minute
Im against protesting but I don't know how to show it.. hahahhahaha

Weekend of goodness

This weekend was a good one.. Mostly b/c I got to see Richard and James.. double bonus

Okay I already wrote about my friday water bill fiasco.. but after that whole thing I went and hung out with my family- my mom, john and james (my step bro/johns son).. they wanted to go out to eat and watch Wallace and Gommit.. sounded fun to me and i hadn't seen James yet and i had heard he lost some weight so i wanted to see.. James definately is thinner than before- but he was never fat, kinda chubby or something i guess..
Well we went to islands and there was a half an hour wait.. we decided to be clever and put our names into CPK too and go to whichever resturant paged us first.. While waitng we strolled over to Barnes and Nobles. Man i LOVE that place.. well i only like MY barnes and nobles.. other ones usually aren't as good..
I immediately went to the 'Bargin' section b/c it's my favorite. First I saw a caligraphy set and thought "how neat! john does caligraphy, maybe he'd like this." but then i found the motherload of all awesomeness deals.. a HUGE biography of the guys from Monty Python-hardback- for only 10 bucks.. that was AWESOME and I knew john would love it.. and he did.. we made our purchases and headed back over to the resturants.. Turned out that both of them had called us while we were gone. We decided to have Islands (mom really wanted it- she likes the Mango-ritas)
I LOVE Islands fries.. they are salty and yummy and ranchy mmMmMMMm skins still on make the BEST fries..
For dinner i had nachos and fries hahahahha worst dinner ever- soo bad for me but i didn't care.. james had his first Mai Tai.. Apparently there is RUM in it hahhaha
We went to charter center to see wallace and grommit (the theatre i used to work at)... The movie was good. and i was extremely excited before it started b/c they showed a short film with the peguins from Madagascar.. i had completely forgotten that the short film was playing with the movie.
Then it was home and off to bed- i was trying to make the night go by as fast as possible b/c in the morning my cutey richard was coming..

SATURDAY

I woke up at 830ish and the first thing i did- before i was even actaully awake- was call richard to make sure he was up and getting ready to go.. hahaha i'm a major nerd..
He was up and getting ready.. I had a crap load of stuff to do before he got there tho.. I had to clean, go to the store to get washcloths and soap and a tooth brush aaaann go get him some flowers, and i also wanted to time it so that when he was walking my house it would smell like fresh baked cookies and he could eat them while they were still warm- good god i'm the biggest NERD ever but i knew he'd really like it...
well the plan worked and i was soo glad to see him.. i just hugged him the first 5 minutes he was there.. and he brought me a rose.. aww what a cutey
annnyywaayyyss.. we headed over to my parents house- which was kind of a pain b/c there was some fair thing going on that was blocking my street.. when i walked by it it seemed pretty cool b/c they had a bunch of old school cars lined up to look at but they stopped showing them at 11 or something..
We got to my parents house around 1 and then hopped in the car and headed to LA for the day.. Wait first something funny happened.. John introduced his own son by the wrong name.. hahahhaha ooh man he's never going to live that down.. calling james robert was a bad mistake. We went to Thai town first.. had some lunch then went into a thai grocery store.. OH MAN i loved the grocery store. it was great.. especially since the store had durian in it (a REAALLY smelly fruit that is considered a delicacy in Thailand- and i'm nto exaggerating is REALLY smelling so smelly that it is illegal in some countries to have it out in the public) I had james and richard smell it.. hahahhaha

I LOVE ASIAN GROCERY SHOPPIINNNGG.. this stuff was authentic THAI too.. it was too cooll aaaahh best thing ever hahhaah

after that we went to Little Japan or something.. we went in another grocery store (it wasn't as impressive as the thai one haha) and i got some green tea ice cream- richard got mochi..
oh i forgot my favorite part about that Japanese grocery store was this: i was walking around by myself and i hear a HUGELY loud laugh (richard of course).. i followed it and found him and asked what was funny.. he eventually told me james had said some "man juice" joke.. hahaha that was my favorite part b/c 1) richards ridiculously loud laughing 2) richard gets along with my family soo well.. they really like him and it makes me happy..
The drive home was great too. First james and i agrued about the "proper" way to say things.. then we played "I spy with my little eye".. hahah boy did I suck at that- I spy something that started with E.. Eyes?? nope Ears?? DAMN IT YES!! hahahhahah

after we got home we headed out again.. this time to sushi.. it was my first time eating fish in FOREVER and i was nervous about it upsetting my stomach but it turned out okay..
sushi was DELICIOUS

Richard and I were POOPED from doing so much in one day. we back to my apartment tp relax and watch movies.. We put in Suspect Zero and then it was bed time

SUNDAY

Richard said he had to leave early in the morning on Sunday but that didn't happen hahhaha.. and it wasn't me trying to convince him to say or anything.. it just happened. we layed in bed listening to music till 11ish then we went out for a breakfast burrito.. which was delicious.. we brought the burritos home and watched batman begins while eating.. that is a LONG movie too.. he ended up not leaving till 4.. which was a lot later that he or i expected.. but boy was i greatful for every minute.. this time it was hard for me to say good bye.. i got sad and it showed..
i've decided from now on to suck it up and not act sad.. no one likes that and richard is just as sad as i am.. i don't want to make it any harder to leave than it already is..

oookkaayy i need to acaully work while i'm at work now.. hmm or not.. hahahha maybe i'll add more later.

till then . . .

Freakin Angela

so i get home from work and there is a envelope on the door.. i'm like CRAP this in NOOTTT good.. so i open it and it says we owe 100 BUCKS for water..
OK
i've NEVER seen a water BILL.. so i'm pisssed. freakin LIVID..
I immediately go to our rental office and ask "what is this?? We've never gotten a bill"
I get the guy to agree to take off the late charges and i pay the man 96 bucks.. dude that is ALOT for water..
i asked why it was so much and he's like oohh the POOOOOLLLS cost money.. PPOOOLLLLSS.. what the hell kind of complex charges you for the Community POOL.. so i can expect to pay 50 bucks a month for a POOL. grrrrrr
then i go back to the APT and begin rumaging thru angelas mail to see if SHE got a bill ever. OH YEA- she got the bills and NEVER told me.. aaaannd NEVER paid or even opened them... ooh i was even MORE pissed at HER this time.
that is completely irresponsible.. but then i thought about it and realized that the bill was in HER name and not mine soo she's really screwing herself.. but now i'm out 50 buck (once angela finally pays me) and in a worse mood. BOOOOOOOOOO
BOOOO
okay that's my rant for the day.. GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

booooooooooo

ps- i get to see richard in LESS than 24 hours : ) YAY

Bob Barker knows what's up

Listen to the words of Mr. ThePriceIsRight:


I'm a vegetarian - I think there's a strong possibility, had I not become a vegetarian, I would not be working now. I became a vegetarian about 25 years ago, and I did it out of concern for animals. But I immediately began having more energy and feeling better. Bob Barker

Bob Baker know's FASHION:

If you look around, you don't see young women wearing furs, you see matronly women wearing furs. Furs are no longer chic. Bob Barker


Bob Barker makes me laugh:

Nothing gives me quite so much joy as when people tell me they've had their pets spayed or neutered. Bob Barker




Those are my fun fact type things for the day- well for right now..
work is slllooowww today soo I may post more later


PS- did you know that the Rose and the Apple come from the same plant family??
THANK MARTHA ; )
now gimme some PIE

best ever

So today was a good day.
Work was slow but I called richard and talked to cara a lot though and that helped/
After work i had a nice wokout

When i got home from the workout I had a missed call and new message. It was richard :) he left the cutest message EVER.. He told me I was the best girlfriend too.. I sent him a card in the mail a couple of days ago and he got it today.. He really liked it.. which is great b/c that was my plan. Making my bf happy or making him smile is GREAT.. it makes me happy

Then i remembered that Batman Begins went on sale at Circuit City for 14.99 soo I headed over there. They were sold out. I couldn't remember whether Besy Buy gave you 10% off a competitors price if it was lower or not. I actually didn't even think about it but I called Konrad (he's a supervisor at Best Buy) and he actually answered while he was working.. that was way nice of him soo i'm thinking he doesn't hate me hahahha.. he told me that they just matched the price. I drove over to best buy and bought that and Hook... only spent 25 bucks.. pretty good deal for a brand new movie and an old classic..

My mom called about 7 times (and i'm NOT exaggerating) to tell me they were going ot Silky Sullivans then to ask if i wanted ot come.. then to say she wasn't going there.. oooh but before all that she called to say she and james (my step brother from england) got home from LAX okay.. she left 3 messages.. wow..

potstickers for dinner, chocolate malted crunch for desert, now im gonna shower, call richard, watch Hook and go to bed.. mmMmmMMmmmMMMmm phone call with richard : )

nightnight

yea yea i know

soo i know i'm over reacting at this moment but i've gotten cabin freakin fever from being inside all day, seeing no one, barely talking, and feeling like poo.

bllllaaahhhh-- i texted konrad and told him i had cabin fever and asked to hang out and he said no.. ouch.. that sucks.. i really hope i haven't lost another friend.. i feel like it's freakin impossible to keep friends... especially guy ones.. they always just stop talking to me and stop hanging out.. boooo to that.. booo : (

okay enough with this lame cabin fever over reaction.. ima not think about this and give the friendship more time b/c i know i'm being dumb and lame and crraaaazzzyyyyyyyy b/c i've got nothing else right now..

i was thinking about getting thai food to make me feel better but since i thought about it, i've become too lazy to go get it and have already eaten something else.. blllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh
GET ME OUTTA THIS HOUSE.. i hate being inside for an entire day bbbboooooooo

oh well tomorrow i'll be HAPPY to go to work i guess

peace be with you mah bros and hos

on the coouuucchhh

Yes I am not feeling the best... but I'll feel better after today- YAAYY.. .then it'll be Hump Day and the week is half over and one day closer to sushi night







Quote for today:

We must not allow the clock and the calendar to blind us of the fact that each moment of life is a miracle and a mystery.
- HG Wells



I have more free time than usual today. I stayed home from work. So a lot of daytime TV and relaxing.. I don't even really like TV but I want to do something that requires me not to move or think or do anything and TV definately does that.. hmm what have I been up to the past couple of days??

Sunday I went to visit my grandpa. I wasn't feeling too bad tho. We had great food.. HUGE artichokes, risotto, dehydrated strawberries (which are my favorite new snack), avacados and it was all delicious. We went upstairs and painted, i went on a walk where some creepy guy asked for my number.. It was a great day tho

Monday i went to work but towards the end of the day i was not feeling well at all.. i paper macheted at lunch... that's pretty much my favorite part of my workday hahaha.. I was completely out of it when i was driving home.. acting like a crazy woman but richard seemed to think it was funny and didn't mind.. i even had a laugh attack for about 5 minutes.. ooh boy was that interesting.. Konrad came over at night and we watched Harry Potter.. I took medicine that made me pass out half way thru the movie tho.. I TRIED to stay awake.. it was phsyically impossible..

When I woke up this morning it was bad. I couldn't balance and fell while i was showering.. personally i found this to be hilarious but everyone else i told was all concerned and stuff.. the humor was lost on them.. ooh well.. now i'm being a complete bum, sitting on the couch, not moving and jerry springer just came on..
okay i can't post w/o saying i miisssssss richard!!!! i miss you my cutie, and i can't wait to attack you next time I see you : )

POTSTICKERS : )

Ima shower now and write more after

Missing my cutie

Today I'm really missing my Richard
Most likely it's because i can feel myself starting to get sick and it makes me want to lay in bed all day with him. hahahah I just thought about that and ooh man he would be 100% garenteed to get sick if I had him do that.. ooh well, it's comforting like a big warm richard blanket... I'm missing him more today b/c I'm bored at work too.. Usually I'm so busy i have to steal a moment to think of anything but work..
This overlap of teaching the new guy and learning my new tasks is boorrriiinnngg
Sometimes when i get bored, i EAT.. and when i say eat i mean EAAATTT.. lettme list what i've consumed today (and this is BEFORE dinner)
Breakfast burrito
Nectarene
Apple
Cookie
Piece of Cake (it was someones bday at the office)
TWWWOO Pieces of pie (see above reason)
That is all for now.. but i'm hanging out with the Rents tonight and they are going to want to go out to dinner soo ima eat then too.. FatTown here I come! hahahhaha
I worked out last night tho..that's good. but that's only 2 times this week
I'd like that number to be 3 or more like 4-- I guess the week isn't over yet but working out on the weekend is like stepping into a pool and realizing the person before you peed in it
Im bad.. this past 1/2 hour i have been writing a blog instead of working- oh well
I forgot how awesome it was to just write.. i think for writing random stupid stuff like this I like to be on the computer.. when I used to write poetry I liked doing it by hand..
okay anywayyysss workworkwork now

Considerably Better

Yesterday work was pretty bad
I was really stressed about training the new guy b/c he didn't seem to be picking it up very well. Ask richard man. I complained to him for a good 1/2 hour or so. I was soo worried. I think i need to vent this crap out to feel better sometimes..

Today is a LOT better than yesterday
I've left the new guy pretty much alone all day.. I go check in with him every 20 mins or so to see if he has any questions. He seems a bit nervous and intimidated by this new situation but today is much smoother than yesterday.. PHEW..
For the majority of the day today I was unable to work. The computer I was set up with did not have the right programs on it.. I did what I could but after that I pretty much screwed around with nothing work..

I called richard quite a bit too.. : ) oh man am I glad to have him in my life.. he listens and likes it.. who knows how long he'll put up with it but so far, im happy for every moment

wow i'm such a cheezy ball latey.. it's GREAT

well I supposed that's it for now

Ima quit while I'm ahead

My news

Mark 10-10 on your calendar
It's the day I officially told richard he's my boyfriend
This time next year I'm hoping to be celebrating an anniversary : )

What a great day

EXCITEMENT yaaaaaayyy!

I am SOOO happy with work now! YAAYY
You don't even know- and you don't know b/c NO ONE is answering their phones!
Okay now lettme explain what I'm talking about:

Lately I've been really worried about my status at work b/c I haven't recieved a lot of feedback. Today I decided I didn't want to worry anymore. I emailed my boss and asked to set up a meeting to could discuss my progress so far with the company and asked if there were any ways I could improve my efficiency. About 2 hours later I was in the copy room doing remidial crap when a co-worker approached me to tell me my boss is looking to meet with me RIGHT NOW.
Boy was I worried.
I stopped what I was doing and immediately headed over to her office. I walk in and she is there with someone else from my department. They ask me to sit down and my boss mumbles "Oh we'd better close the door so that the others can't hear us"
At this point I begin to sweat. Thinking 'oh no I'm about to be fired!!'
My boss (Rachel) then looks over at me and sees my nervious face and says 'don't worry we only have good things to say about you'
PHEW- I could breathe again!
Rachel then explains that Joanne (the other woman in the room) and her are impressed with how well I've done so far. A smile creeps accross my face and it's all I can do to not laugh. Two seconds ago I was sure I was fired.
Basically I am moving over to the Collections Department to help Joanne with her workload. My new tasks are going to be more people oriented than before and I'm looking forward to it. I'll be calling lawyers and figuring out who owes who and whatnot.
The two of them also informed me that TOMORROW I will be training someone to replace me. TOMORROW. I started thinking and I had terrible time my first two weeks b/c training was completely unorganized. The rest of my day is going to be deticated to trying to throw together a system for training the new guy tomorrow
YAY this turned out to be a GOOD work day : )
okay it's lunch time

Happy Columbus Day

Yea it's Columbus Day and banks are closed and mail isn't delivered. Why does this matter at all? Well my job is this:
I get collect outstanding checks via US MAIL enter them into our accounting programs balance our books and whatnot THEN I go to the BAANNKK and deposit those checks..
I got a lot of checks in on Friday but only enough to keep me busy for a day- so basically i have two days and only one days work.. I'm BORED at work
YYAAYYY
so i've been emailing up a storm and now i'm posting a blog and chatting with my coworkers about the halloween decorations for our office.. haha i'm glad everyone is slacking b/c ALL of hour bosses are out of the office today in meetings with corporate..
okay i'm going to go to the bathroom fill up on some more free water and head on home for a quick workout.. then it's off to mom's house to put more music on the nano she got for her birthday.. Mom said she'd get me dinner.. that's awesome.. YAY.. not living with her makes her nicer hahaha
okay
PEACE-
I'm out like white on rice







YEA i know that doesn't make sense but SHUT UP hahahaah

: )

Helloooo
It's SUNDAY. Tomorrow is work so not too fun. But I'm still walking on clouds from the weekend. It was so wonderful.. Richard ended up coming up on Saturday afternoon. I was so excited he could make it.. Saturday we went out to dinner with my folks. Jasmine Thai- my absolute favorite.. and i got LEFTOVERS YAY
It went fantastic.. my parents really liked him and my mom is making plans for us all to go out again. It was way cute.. she just assumes that we're going to hang out every weekend.. and everyone knows if i could see him everyday, I would.. but Richard has school and needs study time and such.. I want him to do well so i'll leave him be if he needs it.. ooh i'm so glad i got to spend time with him.. you don't even know.. After dinner was actually one of the best parts of the weekend.. Richard and i decided to walk and while walking we made friends with the sweetest little kitty.. He followed us around for a good half an hour.. He was too cute.. awww CUTEY KITTY- i almost brought him home for angela and I
Sunday was awesome as well.. We layed in bed until i got up and made some yummy breakfast.. Eggs and hasbrowns YUM.. we bummed around some more- i took a shower and Richard took a little time to do some homework.. at around 1 we went to the Swampmeet.
I LOVE the swampmeet there is always interesting smells there as well as interesting people. There are great deals too.. It's a great way to spend a couple of hours. Richard got some ice cream and i got a root beer float.. I haven't had one of those in years.. it was delicious... I ended up getting 3 dvds for 20 bucks.. My Big Fat Greek Wedding, 28 Days Later, and Suspect Zero
Richard got a Momma and the Pappas Record and a cool new instrument... i got to play with it- it was great.. i felt like a five year old again...
After the swamp meet Richard was nice enough to go Asian Mart Shopping with me. I LOVE going shopping there.. I know I get really carried away there too.. i could spend HOURS there hahhahaha. i think someday i'll spend an entire day grocery shopping for fun.. Yea i'm a nerd- i LIKE it geesshh hahhaha
I made dinner for Richard and I- just soup that was a bit peppery for rich. Hopefully he didn't mind too much.. i wanna be able to cook so he likes it.. i'm planning on him sticking around quite some time so it would be nice to learn what he likes and cater to someone besides myself for once.. i wanna get back into cooking again.. i feel like i'm not as good as i used to be.. I'm glad that richard ate it anyways.. it was cute.. hopefully i'll make him something he REALLY likes soon- non meat of course.. hmmm well maybe fish.. i haven't cooked that in a LONG time tho
Richard had to leave soon after dinner.. and that pretty much brings us up to date.. i can't believe how much i like this guy.. i'm almost too happy.. i had to write it out.. there are a million things i didn't write but this will be enough for me to look back and smile at..
Okay now i will shower and go to bed..

Ook so today i've realized something that i wish i hadn't

i don't know if i'm capable of having a long distance relationship.. Well i guess i am physically capable, i wouldn't die in one or anything but i do not like it. at all. it makes me feel unfulfilled
i know i'm a pretty needy girl tho.. this stupid distance is just making me question and think negatively too much
I should be happy that i've found someone that i actually like.. That's a lot for me.. and i REALLY like him. I haven't felt like this in a long time.. i should enjoy that but i'm distracted with the distance thing..
ooh man i need to give myself a pep talk or something hahahhaa this is ridiculous.. i making myself insane.. i am awesome.. TOO awesome- too awesome for lloooove hahaha

so ima write some things about richard that makes me smile so i'm not negative
1) he still calls me pumpkin even tho i thought he was joking about it
2) sleeping with him next to me
3) he doesnt mind that all i wanna do is sleep when he's there b/c i'm tired from my ridiculously busy week
4) he likes me too!! : )
5) the first time we held hands he asked if it was ok first
6) the first time we kissed he asked as well
7) he's a gentleman
8) he holds my doors open! : )
9) he thinks i'm funny
10) he has the LOUDEST BEST laugh
11) he misses me
12) I can completely be myself with him and he doesn't find it annoying- he actually likes it for some CRAZY reason
13) he lets me make fun of him constantly
14) his last name is CUMMINGS hahahhaahhaa dick cummings
15) he always tries to tell me he's not sleeping when i call even tho i KNOW he is.. and makes cute little noises to protest me saying 'i'll let you go back to bed'

okay that'lll hold me over for a little while. ima read this when i get sad.. okay i can do long distance now hahahaha
i just need to remind myself that it is MORE than worth it to wait to see this great guy :)

Today will be a long one

I'm at work and i haven't slept in 2 million years.
There are only two things that I want to think about- sleep and richard.. if i could do those both at once i would be the happiest person ever- in the whole history of time

Richard told me last night that he might not be coming to visit this weekend.. His mom needs him right now.. and while i completely understand this, it still makes me sad that i won't be able to lay around in bed with him all day saturday like i planned to. I actually like that he's so dedicated to his family's well being.. it's an attractive quality... but i miss him boooo

I'm listening to Denison Witmer and I really like him.. but he's making me want to sleep even more. Today we're having a potluck at work.. Mexican Potluck.. mmMMmM i love mexican food.. hopefully it's good. I brought in cookies- choc chip and PUMPKIN choc chip. i'm not so sure anyone will like the pumpkin ones but they are new and i wanted to try it.. and if they don;t like it- MORE FOR ME hahaha i feel like i have a 5 year old mentality right now with the tiredness and such

i have more to write but i'm a work for an hour and start up with this again